NUFC kit launch: New Ugly F**king Crap

Its that time of the year again where football clubs figure out how they can rob fans of even more money launch their new home and away kits.  Not to miss out on adding more cash to the 35 mil Mike Ashley made from the Carroll sale, increased TV revenue and another season in the Premier League, Newcastle have launched their new home kit for 2011-12 season.

As always, when taking the piss out of the mackems its worth biting your tongue a bit till you see what Newcastle are dishing out (well maybe not). Much laughs were had over their “pride” design and today’s twitter entertainment of Sunderland’s equivalent of Andy and Lou queing up overnight for the latest launch of their shirts.

So what did Newcastle have in store for us this season? Had Mike Ashley hired that colourblind, cock-eyed, one-armed YTS apprentice that did the classic  “Bananas In Pajamas”?  However, thinking to myself, black and white stripes, its difficult to screw up even that. Oh, how wrong I was, this time Ashley went for aforementioned f**kwits, less-skilled cousin.:

Now, before even mentioning the merits (or lack) of this “design”, I’ve never been a fan of Puma shirts. Not much give and even someone with more than 15% body fat looks rotund. I’m not one to talk about carrying around a few extra pounds/stones, but those moobs and guts common to a significant % of NUFC supporters are going to make that shirt like a giant “X marks the spot”. Plus, look at the badge ffs; I’ve seen better iron-on fake Newcastle shirts on Ebay. Overall, it looks like a cheap knockoff that isnt worth 5 quid let alone the 50 its being sold for. If you want to save your money, then why not buy one of those imitation tuxedo t-shirt and stick the logo on. In fact, I’ve got me mam currently sowing one one if anyone’s interested:

Ok, breathe, calm down, and lets see what they’ve got in store for Harper and Krul to wear. Afterall, some of the keeper shirts over the years have been right classics. This one being one of my favourites:

Lets take a look, can’t be any worse than the “tuxedo home strip”:

Before I even get started, what colour is that? Misty-rose? Skin tone peach? FFS indeed. Nevermind the fact that it looks like some rejected design from Star Trek The Next Generation.

“Geordie” La Forge - Newcastle’s first official blind goalkeeper. Spurs rumoured to offer $30 million for the player.

A interesting fact not lost on supporters, is that under his tenure as owner of Newcastle United, the home/away kit has changed almost every year. This breaking the guidelines of the Premier League charter which Newcastle United agreed in 2000 to restrict home replica kit changes to a minimum of 2 seasons. 

Furthermore, it also seems each year, he’s testing how much he can take the piss / what tosh he can churn out that the Geordie Nation will gladly consume. A quick look through the club shop online reveals a range of tat, including the infamous “Beefy t-shirt” (a piss-take of the fat, topless bloke at the game with the NUFC tattoo).

Further stuff (mostly in the sales bin) include ties you wouldnt use a windscreen wipe, something you’d expect to be seen at the Berlin “Love Parade” (see Sunderland Pride):

“That’s it, I’m not signing any new contract”

However, I have to say, the biggest waste of space is the “1892” fragrance / body spray / shower gel line. Afterall, what would Newcastle United smell of? Stale beer and piss from game day? I have a better idea; how about a player / team inspired fragrance? If David Beckham can pull it off, the so can wor Shola. With great fanfare, I announce the unofficial launch of “Scent of Shola”:

Scent of Shola; you’ll get laid all you want, but only involving Mackems

So all we have to wait for now is the away kits for this season. What horrors await? Leaked potential samples are all over the internet. My guesses are this is the new 2nd choice goalkeepers kit:

11 May 2011 ·

• Tags
• newcastle united
• replica kit
• bloody awful